


Pretend

by Kleo_Gonzalez



Series: Codas and Fix its [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Dean Hates Himself, Dean Winchester is Bad at Feelings, Hurt No Comfort, I'm Bad At Summaries, M/M, Not A Fix-It, Not Beta Read, Post-Canon, Regretful Dean Winchester, Sorry Not Sorry, i cant believe thats a tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-16 12:21:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28706577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kleo_Gonzalez/pseuds/Kleo_Gonzalez
Summary: Dean pretends, and after everything is said and done he wishes he hadn't lied to himself and that he hadn't let Cas go without knowing he was loved.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Codas and Fix its [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2103993
Kudos: 16





	Pretend

**Author's Note:**

> Notes at the end!

Dean used to be very confident as he flirted with whoever he pleased, the bartender at the bar, the blond girl at the bar, because he always knew that afterwards would always be a goodbye.   
  
Feelings didn’t come easy to him, when they did things like Lisa happened, she filled a void inside and he pretended he was happy and that he wanted that for the rest of his life, he lied to himself everyday that it was enough because he loved her and Lisa loved him back, the kid reminded him a little bit of Sam and he pretended it didn’t hurt. After everything crashed and burned he wasn’t surprised, but as always he lies and says it’s okay, he’s fine, fake it till you make it right?

  
When his feelings for Cas came to be overwhelming him in a way he wasn’t expecting, the only thing not confusing and surprising about his feelings for Cas was the fact that in the end they would only hurt him, because angels can’t love like that, and if they did, they certainly wouldn’t love someone like Dean.  
So Dean did what he always did, pretend, fake confidence and lie to himself.   
He was so confident in his feelings and sure that Cas couldn’t feel the same way, unaware that he did in fact feel like that for him, that he let himself play with his own thoughts and feelings. Indulging the fantasy of being with him, he always found some kind of thrill in playing with fire, poking the bear.

Dean toyed with his own emotions, fantasizing of getting a rise out of Cas, teasing him playfully, sometimes he pretends that he only thinks of him as a friend, flirts with the waitress for Cas and it doesn’t hurt because he’s such a good friend.

But sometimes he let himself flirt with Cas, carefully so, playfully like a highschool boy with the girl that he knows it’s whipped for him, because there’s no danger when you’re in love like that, and you enjoy your feelings because you are sure that you’re liked back and you thrive in the thrill of the chase. And there’s no danger either when you know that you can never be loved in the same way.

  
At the same time, he never let himself entertain the thought of actually being seen by Cas, reciprocated.  
Everytime the intrusive thought came to be he shook his head angry at himself, everytime he thought of the meaning of Cas gaze that morning, the secret behind the smile in Cas’ eyes that evening, the reason for his anger at Dean after the hunt that night, because indulging in those dangerous thoughts took him to think about the reason behind Cas’ hurt and forgiveness, his constancy at the Winchester’s side, at his side.

As fun as entertaining his delusional whims is, when the other shoe drops, when lives are at stake, when his heart stops and quickens and hurts with fear and worry, the only thing that’s on Dean’s mind then is his truth.  
His truth on the tip of Dean’s tongue while he’s on his knees over the dirt in purgatory, with a terrified prayer on his quivering lips -Not like this please, don’t let our last memory together be us hurting each other, don’t let him die thinking I’m mad at him, don’t let him die not knowing I forgive him, don’t let him be gone before I tell him I love him-

When he sees him again, his heart is still racing, overcome with fear and worry and love because Cas made it, because he smiles shyly at the ground when Dean celebrates him.  
Dean could’ve lost him forever, so he readies himself as Cas explains his victory.  
He doesn’t even know what he wants to say, but a confession is on the verge of spilling out of his dry mouth, but Cas… Cas doesn’t let him, he stops Dean and -no that’s not what I wanted to say at all- Dean loses his courage all the same, wondering as he stares at Cas’ back if he knew what Dean wanted to say and stopped him before Dean embarrassed himself and ruined their relationship permanently.

Dean knows better now, and wonders if Cas knew then anyways, but the reason he stopped him was because he would’ve died on the spot, he likes to think that’s the reason that Castiel knew, because the opposite would be unbearable.

After purgatory 2.0 Dean moves on, goes back to teasing and flirting with Cas, pretends he forgot all about it.  
He flirts with Cas over the golden reflection of the light on a glass of whiskey, and he does not think of the reason behind Cas smile and the fondness of his eyes, blue, content and proud.  
Dean pretends he makes him jealous with Amara when the opportunity presents, he lies to himself and takes his reaction as jealousy instead of simple and plain concern.

If Dean had known, god if he had known and now he feels like an asshole for acting without consideration for Cas’ feelings, for thinking that the only heart at stake was his own, and he’s used to having his heart broken.  
If he had known then… Well Dean wouldn’t have done anything different because it would mean that Cas would’ve died sooner.

But if Dean had known before that, when Cas came back after Jack was born, or even before that after Amara he would’ve done things so differently.  
The love and care he had for Cas started to morph into something different during purgatory, or even before that.  
Dean only realized the depth of his feelings when Lucifer took Cas’ as his vessel, and he embraced them as they were after Amara and Chuck left and the British Men of Letters came with lying tongues of wisdom.  
But then Lucifer was still out there and Jack was conceived, Cas was acting so secretive back then and then he was gone too.  
  
After that things were far too complicated for Dean to entertain the thoughts of acting out on his feelings.

Dean never knew that an angel was capable of loving like that, but Dean should’ve known better, Cas was always different from the rest, he was told that too much heart was always Castiel's problem.  
  
Did they know? Did everyone know but him? That Cas loved him and wanted to have him?  
And Dean flinches at the thought as he hugs Miracle on the bed because he needs one and because Cas could’ve had him completely because he already did. Even if Cas didn’t know he did, because Dean was already his, and Dean loves him and he hates himself for letting Cas think he didn’t.  
Miracle whines besides him when Dean hiccups with a quiet miserable sound.  
Cas died thinking he wasn’t loved and tonight, weeks after Cas was taken from him, tonight; that’s his biggest regret.

Thinking back on it, Deant wants to punch himself, because it was so obvious and evident that Cas was his all along too; but it doesn’t matter because Cas is gone forever into a place of endless regrets and emptiness and darkness, a place that Dean cannot ever reach and Cas died thinking he wasn’t loved…

  
“I’m sorry…” Prays Dean with a broken voice muffled against golden fur, “I’m so sorry” 

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry, this came to be when I was in class, Im supposed to be studying for two exams or finishing another fic but when the muses come to you, you are not allowed to say no because you'll forget all about it when you actually sit and try to write what they whispered to you.  
> To be fair, this hurted me as much as it hurted you, I may or may not make a cont of this, or maybe I'll do it separately.


End file.
